Red Dwarf Smegazine (February 1993)

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i you read this, shooting will have just begun on Series VI of Red Dwarf down at Sbepperton
Studios. The latest we've heard ii Hut the new series should air late April/early May, but we'll
keep von posted on our regular NEWS FROM THE DWARF page. In the meantime, the Smesaiine
it the p lace to cone for all the hut stories and featires from the world of Red Dwarf.

This issue we bring nob earl one of a major interview with ROBERT tKRYTEN)
LLEWELLYN; go on location with Grant Naylor'i new sit-com pilot, THE 10%ERS; and join the
audience for one of HAITI E HAYRIDGE'S stand-up routines Oar gruesome lead atrip has Lister
taking on the SPACE MONKEYS; JAKE BULLET'S search for the killer of eameshow contestant
Philby Frutch continues; and the Polymorph start in hit own atrip, THE SHADOW TIME, a story
set oe tee Ice World/Garbage World (seen in the Series Ml episode, 'Marooned', and the second
novel, 'Better Than Life') long before the Red Dwarf crew tore up there.

So, what are you waiting for? Torn the page now aod start reading all this stiff - we
didn't pot it all together for oer health, you know. To quote Litter from 'Quarantine'; "We're
here to entertain ya!"

THE JUNIOR ENCYCLOPEDIA OF SPACE

Here it is again - Ma nine Lehmann's Question
& Answer column, promoted to page 2 by pop-
ular demand. Or rather, because there are
plenty more of your questions to be answered
and we want to leave room for other letters
on our letters page. But enough of the small
talk - on with the questions...

CAN I HAVE A SIGNED PHOTG OF ALL

THE CAST?

(various questioners)

No. because we haven't got any We might
pass on your request to Grant Naytor
Productions (or the actor concerned) if you
ask us nicely, but we can make no promises
And please note that you probably stand no
chance at all if you neglect tc enclose a large
SAE with your request And while we're on
the subject, a lot of people have asked us to
repeat the first (or other) series of Red
Dwarf, or at least to bring out the videos.
Obviously we can't do this ourselves (we're
just the magazine!) ■ so make sure you let the
BBC know your views as well.

ARE THERE ANY PLANS TO PUBLISH

THE RED DWARF SCRIPTS IN BOOK

FORM?

(Alex Bond, William Ganniclifft,

Kathleen Boyce)

Not as yet, but this may change. After all,

Penguin have already reproduced the first

draft script of episode 1 in their Red Dwarf

Omnibus, so that might set them thinking. . .

WHAT YEAR IS RED DWARF SET IN?
(Adam Dauies)

Someone had to ask! ft really is impossible to
say for sure. A calendar seen in 'Stasis Leak'
I when the crew ere able to appear back in
time, before the accident) tells us it was
2077. but by Series IV Lister is claiming to
be an 'enlightened 23rd Century guy'. The

first Red Dwarf novel meanwhile gives the
year as 21B0 and this is the year we tend to
accept at the Smegaztne It may be worth
remembering that the stones are actually set
over 3 million years in the future, so the odd
century here or there
doesn't really seem that significant. And
don't forget, Kryten belongs to another centu-
ry altogether, probably the 24th or 25th

WASN'T CRAIG CHARLES IN A SIT-COM
CALLED HELP'?
(Nicholas Walker)

No Perhaps you're thinking of Jake
Abrahams Jake has also appeared in Red
Dwarf as the alternate Dave Lister (our
Lister's sperm -in- law) in The Inquisitor' and
as a stunt double in 'Demons And Angels'

WHY WAS RIMMER BROUGHT BACK
BY HOLLY?

(Ted Cowvgill, Amu Kingman, Adam
Dauies)

Basically to keep Lister sane Holly makes
this claim on screen, although in the book it is
revealed that he is lying 1 Even so. it seems
he may have been right - as Lister admits in
'Kryten'. 'Driving Rimmer nuts is what keeps
me going!' And m Justice', Lister claims to
be the person closest to Rimmer. Of course,
seeing that Rimmer' s parents hated him and
that he never actually had any friends, this is
not saying a great deal.

If you have a tricky question about Red Dwarf
that's been bugging you for ages, write to:
THE JUNIOR ENCYCLOPEDIA OF SPACE,
c/o Red Dwarf Smegaiine,
fleetway Editions Limited,
25-31 Tavistock Place.
London WC1H0SU.

MESSAGE ENDS

WH

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COMPUTER CONUNDRUM

A repiocemenl odor lo play Red Dwarf's computer Holly, or
w character lo replace Holly entirely is 'under
consideration For the new series, according lo production
company Grant Naylor. It's heen confirmed thai flattie
Hayiidge will not be appearing in Red Dwarf VI, The
decision was taken by Giant Naylor who are yel lo reveal
their reasons. Hatlie is said lo be disappointed at the
decision.

DIRECTOR'S DEBUT

The new Diiector for Red Dwarf VI, Andy DeEmmony, shores
a common background lo writers Rob Grant and Doog
Naylor, as he joins Ihe crew of Ihe mining ship from being
best known for his work on Spitting Image (although they
dn't work on it ot the same time). Now Andy will be
colling the shots foe the new series in space.

SCRIPT SCARCITY,
LONG-RANGE LOCATIONS
AND EPISODE ENIGMAS

Two and a half weeks before cast and crew nip outside lo do
some odvance filming, and the second script has only just
been handed in as we go lo press. The Producer of the new
series (Justin Judd) couldn'l say much about the series with
only o couple of scripts in, and even details ol the first
episode are likely lo change once Ihe final versions of the
other scripts were finished. There will be some on-localion
filming and it's been hinted this may be o little further-
afield than in previous years, when the bit of waste ground
round the coiner fiam Ihe studios generally sufficed. After
location filming, rehearsals start and the first episode will
have just been filmed in front of o studio audience as this
issue of the Smegazine hits Ihe shops.

10%ERS TRANSMISSION

Rob Grant and Doug Haylor's other venture into the world
of sil-com, The ]0%eis gels shown for Ihe first lime around
ihe time you should be reading this. It's pad of Carlton TV's
Comedy Playhouse strand being broadcast on ITV. Eight
individual pilot sitcoms from independent producers make
up the series and Grant Noyloi's Ihe I0%ers has been
chosen to launch Comedy Playhouse on February 23rd in
peak-lime. The programme introduces the antics and ongst
of a group ol caring and conniving theatrical agents as
you'll see if you read the location report later in this issue. If
the show's a hit, il could be commissioned lor a series.

AWARD ANNOUNCEMENT

Peter Wrogg and his special effects team have received the
Design Award from the Royal Television Society fat their

work on Red Dwarf V. Peter Wragg told the
Smegazine he is "absolutely delighted" to gel the
award. He said he had n "wonderful evening" at the
awards ceremony, which acknowledged some of the
hard work of Ihe behind-the-scenes people in British
television, from set designers lo make-up artists. Rob
Grant and Doug Naylor were also al the a words -
Pelei said they were "delighted, pleased foi me,
pleased lo be there and pleased that Ihe programme
picked up an award". Meanwhile, Peter's effects
team ore wailing lo find oul what new effects they'll
be producing far the new series. II could mean
building another model of the good ship Red Dwarf
itself (after blowing il up in Red Dworf V's Demons
and Angels), but this will depend on how much il will
fealure in series six. Peter says it's currently "all
honds to the pump" gelling the details together For
what effects he'll have to Creole this year.

VENERABLE VIDEOS

The release dale for the long-awaited first series of
Red Dwarf on video is March 1st. The six episodes
will be released on two topes called 'The End' and
'Waiting for God' at 110.99 each from BBC Video.

JACKET JAMBOREE

To accompany their ever -expanding range of T-shirts.
BMS Moil Order have just begun production on two
versions of a much-requested Red Dwarf Baseball
Jacket. They don't come cheap at £60 for the basic
jacket (above) and £90 foi Ihe lealher-sleeved
deluxe model (below), but they could soon become
required wearing lor the really dedicated Red Dwarf
fan. If you're interested and your credit card is in a
good maod, the BMS soles hotline is 061-543-4)05.
VIRGIN VOLUME

The Red Dwarf Programme Guide, published by Virgin is
oul this month. Written by Smegazine writers, Chris
Howorlh and Sieve Lyons, it is "perhaps the first
reference book you can giggle ovei - definitely not for
smeg heads"! Il includes chapters on the characters,
cast, back-stage production people, a detailed episode
guide and an alphabetical index covering every person,
every place ond every thing that has appeared in oi hod
something to do with the series. Il also has eight pages
of block ond while pictures, including "one very roie
picture" (whatever that might bel). Described as a
reference book, but "not a train-s pallet's guide", it's
released an March 18th at £4.99 in poperbacx.

CONVENTION CORNER

Two conventions for Red Dwarf fans look sel la go ahead
in Ihe middle of this year. Both will doubtless fealuri
ihe usual round of panel discussions, silly gomes, video
showings, special guests and Fans getting to meel each
other. First on the agenda is Trek/Dwarf (also a Stai
Trek Convention), They hope lo entice some Red Dworf
guests down to The Holiday Inn in Leicester for the event,
fresh from the filming of Series VI. Il takes place on the
weekend 26lh-28th of March 1993, ond costs £30 foi
attending membership. Contact Trek/Dwarf, 4/
Marsham, Orion Goldhoy, Peterborough, Cambridgeshire
PE2 5RN for details. As with all events, we suggest you
write off fat deloils before parting with any
dollarpounds. Secondly, there's Dimension Jump '93 -
the follow-up to last year's successful Dimension Jump
'92. It's likely lo lake place in Manchester in July. More
deioils on this next month

VIEWERS' VOTES

Three Red Dwarf cost members are picking up
respectable viewing Figures far their other programmes.
(yheizone - ihe virtual reality game show hosted by
Craig 'Lister' Charles - picked up 3.1 millior
(quite good far BBC2 in Ihe early evening). Maid Marian
and Het Meirie Men, featuring Danny 'Cat' John-Jules as
Barrington was watched by 3.2 million people. And Ihe
Sriltas Empire, starring Chris 'Rimmer' Barrie was seen
by 7.4 million people. (Viewing figures courtesy of
BARB.)

BRAND-NEW BRITTAS

Not content with bounding back on oui screens in
Januory. Gordon Brillas has agreed to make anathet
senes for the Beeb. Chris Barrie has been signed up for
yet more adventures within The Brillas Empire which
should stort filming in the Autumn. Oon'l miss the next
issue ol the Smegazine when we'll be talking lo Chris
obou' his career in leisure centre management.

SNIPPET SEEKER.
Jolly Jane Killick

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ROBERT
LLEWELLYN

PART1

Despite being a co

Robert UeweMyn r

the most popular

much so that he was

fated American

Chris Howarth and

this and soma of the

parative newcomer to Red Dwarf,

i made the android Kryten one of

wracters on Brtthui televifston. So

asked to reprise the role for the ill-

of the show. The Smegaxine's

Lyons spoke to Robert about

IE: Firstly, we saw Mac
MacDonald this morning (tor an upcoming
interview - he played Captain Hollister)
and he said to say 'Hi'.

LLEWELLYN: Oh great

TS: He also mentioned that you'd been
working on something together.

RL: Yes. we did a little sketch tor an
American show that gets recorded here. He
played a wild man in a loin cloth and I was
a sort of psychologist/pillock type character.
And it son erf worked - he was very good.

TS: What was the programme?

RL; Oh God! Thai's a very good question...
all I know is they haven't paid me yet. Erm,
I can't remember.

TS: Are wg likely to see it over here?

RL: No. It goes out on the cable network
in America so it's not... well I suppose they
might show it over here - yes they might
show it over here. Yes.

TS: Did you write that particular sketch
yourself?

RL: Yeah, it was written especially for it. it
was only like a three or four minute piece.
It was sod of an anthropotogicaJ study of this
phenomena, which is very big in America,
but people don't really know about it over

here. I wrote it specifically for the American

market so the audience over here were a
bit kind of 'Huh. what?'

TS: So obviously you performed it in front
of an audience?

TL: Yeah it was recorded live in Paramount
City studios, which is in Soho; it's only little
and seats about 50 or 60 people. That series
came from there, Paramount City, with
Arthur Smith presenting it.

TS: Were they doing other things there at
the same time?

RL: Oh yeah, there were a lot of people -
stand up comics, bands, things like that.
We were just one little smidgin of it.

But I've known Mac for years and years,
in fact I did my first ever television work with
him. It was in about 1980, I think, in some
weird programme for Channel 4 - it was
recorded before the channel started.

TS: What was that?

RL: Bookem and Riskit. It was a pretty
appalling experience. It was the first time I'd
done any telly and it was a bit of a shock
- very different to Red Dwarf and very
different to anything else I've done since. But
it did get broadcast - once - I think it was
on the third day Channel 4 went out, and
it was watched by about 7 or 8 people over
the whole country, including me.

TS: There was just the one then?

RL: Yeah. A series did come out of il that
I wasn't involved in. I think Mac may have
done it though.

TS: The last time He spoke to you, you were
just about to go over to America, did
anything come of that? Other than Red
Dwarf, which we'll talk about later.

RL: Well, I'm going back there soon to sell
a sit-com that I've written myself. Basically
I'm going on holiday, but I'm also gonna try
and sell a sit-com 'cause I know I won't. But
I'm going to go through the motions to see
what it's like. I've been there a few times
before and I've been trying to sell work in
the past and I have sold pieces to the Fox
network, but basically it's very difficult to get
in. But because of meeting some more
people from doing Red Dwarf I thought, 'well
It's silly to waste the opportunity, when these
things happen you should just take 'em and
run.'

TS: When you sell these things do you
attempt to sell them as vehicles for yourself
to star in?

RL: No, I wouldn't want to write something
that I was in, not on that level, little one-off
things are alright. But to do a series that you
write as well as being in... I'd rather take one
step back either as a writer or as a performer
- you know, do one or the other.

"Some times making Red Dwarf can be a real pain <n the back! "

TO: Moving on 10 fled Dwarf - USA, how
tiki it come about? When did you first hear
about it?

Mi Well it was during the time we were
recording Red Dwarf V last year. It was a

wry difficult decision to make because you
have to sign a six year contract m America.
They don't negotiate on that, they'd negotiate
on anything else, but that's a deal breaker
as they call It. So If I say (puts on pitiful.
whlnging voice) -but I just want to come for
a few months to see if I'm happy' they won't
do it. So it mos a difficult decision to make
and I actually didn't say yes until just before
Christmas, and by then they were right up
- 1 -" R and warn putting me under a lot
of pressure. I was in Australia then,
supposedly on holiday, but they found me
- I was hiding in an obscure beach-side
motel hoping that no-one would find out
where I was, but they managed to get me.
They were insistent and just put the pressure
on. Eventually I just caved in, about 5
O'Clock one morning when they rang me
I said, Alright! Alright!' But they were very
good about it and now I have very mixed
feelings about the fact that it didn't go
ahead, because I'd love to have done it. I
liked the cast, I also liked the people that
were making it, but I didn't fancy the
prospect of living there that long I must
admit. And that was just before the riots
happened and you could really feel it, I
mean it was in the air - quite a tense place
to be.

TO: How did LA differ as a place to work ?

RL: Wall they have a bit more of everything
They have a tot more room and a lot more
money, they actually have much more time.
They crew were much less... well they just
worked so differently and I kept thinking 'Is
this worse or better?' For instance, during
rehearsals, the crew - the cameramen, the
lighting and sound people - were bloody
awful. They were hopeless, they couldn't get
anything right, nothing wonted, they were
lazy; there were hundreds of them and it
seemed like it was really overmanned. But,
on the day the audience was in, as soon as
there were people watching they became
like gung-ho commandos, they were
chucking cameras around and drilling
things in with their fingers - they were
incredibly tough. They were very good too,
really efficient, we shot through that show
faster than I've ever done anything. Rob and
Doug will tel 1 you, it was very quick once
they got in the swing, but it just took them
so bng. They're so slobby when they're not
doing it, there's so much food around, they
have huge tables, buffets all day. I went 'ooh,
can I have that?' and I was stuffing my face
because it was free. There were sweets and
everything really.

TO: Vbur costume was slightly different over
there wasnt it?

RL: That was partly on my insistence. It was
much more comfortable, I could sit down in

it, I could eat in it, none of which I could do...
I couldn't have a piss, that was still pretty
impossible, I certainly couldn't do anything
else.

TS: Well you could if you were really

RL: Yeah I could just stand there and do
it, could be rather unpleasant for the rest of
the cast though. Otherwise I'd have to get
unzipped and unplugged, you know, it takes
rather a long time.

TSs After the pilot there was a promo, you
weren't involved in that at all were you?

RL: No, because I was back here then Rob
and Doug went back out to do that.

TS: Were you asked to do that?

RL: No. I think it was just a last ditch attempt
to try and convince them.

TS: Did you ever get to see it?

RL- Very briefly yeah, I've seen it once here
It was very strange to see if because il hat:
a lot of us in it from here - from England
- it was a kind of strange misn-mash of
things.

TS: Did you think that the pilot episode had
the potential to be developed into a full
series.

RL: I think so. I mean, there's a good story
there, a long battle to which I'm only party

to a slice of, because I was in the cast -
we were kept away from it and quite carefully
looked after in a corner. So I didn't find out
about a lot of what was going on until we
got back here and l spoke to Rob and Doug.
It's impossible to tell really, I think they did
screw it up - the Americans sort of messed
it up - but not in the way that we think
they're gonna screw it up. Because, I think
the cast were excellent, they were very good
actors and the script was very good because
Rob and Doug had a hand in the script. It's
just that they kind of do everything so
naturalistically there, which is fine when
you've got people in a bar or people in a
living room, but when you've got people
hanging upside-down 98 million miles from
Earth it doesn't quite cut it. And it didn't have
the production values that the English one
had at all. They built the set - it was a very
extraordinary experience to be there -
exactly the same as the British set only
bigger, because they're Americans and 'It's
gotta be bigger! ' The door that goes into the
living quarters I have to duck to get under,
anybody would, it's very low. So whenever
I'd walk in I'd duck, and I was rehearsing in
this thing and they said 'Robert, why do you
duck?' and the top of the door was like two
feet above my head. It was just an automatic
thing, because I'd bashed my head so many
times - when I've got the mask on I can't
tell, I can't see anything up there.

TS: Was the mask very different? Because
it looked more similar than we'd been led

RL- Right, good, I like the fact that you said
that, I think it looks very similar. It is actually
very different; rt covered less of my face and
it didn't go into my mouth which was the
really big benefit It just basically meant that
I was a bit cooler and could eat - and I
quite like eating. I really cant eat with the
English one on, I can suck soup through a
straw and I can have Chicken McNuggets,
which I hate, but I can get them in my
mouth. Whatever I eat I have to be able to
put in my mouth - I cant bite anything oft
- I couldn't have a bit of celery with
mayonnaise because the lips go soggy, the
rubber on them... it's just loo horrible to
explain But there that part of my mouth was
free; the mask just came round the edge
of my mouth, but didn't go into my mouth.
Then they put make-up on top of that, but
they could easily repair that If I messed it
up. it also had a nose piece that went on
and less of my face was covered. I had it
on for 1 6 hou rs on the day of the shoot which
is a long day - my record is 17 hours -
l moaned about it because I'm like that and
it's just my habit, but actually it was nothing
like as uncomfortable as the English one.

TS: Surely they could use the same
process here, because the mask did look

identical really.

RL- Well, I'm very glad you said that and

I will use thai in evidence to support my
case. I mean , I can understand why they do
it, I hate the mask because I low L bvmm*
it works. I see the mask on screen and I
think 'Bloody hell, it does took good,' but its
a real dilemma for me because I'd love to

TS: They'd haw to Now up his spare heads

have it different. I've given them drawings compare it, it was a very odd experience -

of all sorts of other ideas and said "well why especially after having just finished the

don't you blow up Kryten's head and give series here then going more or less straight

him a new one?' on to do it.

TS: Is it likely to cause you any problems
in Red Dwarf VI?

RL: I don't think so. we've all seen each
other since and we've all had a laugh about
it. In fact I saw Craig the other day, I was
walking down the street and suddenly there
was someone on my back - hejumpedon

RL: Yeah, why don't they go into the spare
head shed and blow them all to pieces with
a laser gun?

TS: Kryten's personality seemed a little

different in the US version too, he was bolder
and wittier, did you nave a hand in that?

DON'T MISS PART 2 OF THIS

INTERVIEW IN NEXT MONTH'S

RED DWARF SMEGAZINE!

RL: Not at all no, but it felt very different to
play as well; because I was playing with
Americans my accent sounded really bad
- because they were real Americans and
could really do it - apparently they all said
my accent was really funny because I
sounded like a stupid Canadian who was
trying to be posh, which basically I suppose
is what I was trying to do but didn't know.
My Canadian friends make me laugh when
they're just trying to tell me the time - I
think a Canadian accent is just quite
amusing. All the American cast
impersonated me all the time; they went (he
adopts Kryten voice) 'Oh, hello Robert' and
I was just going shut up, shut up'. But it was
useful from the point of view of saying 'well,
how do I say..?' and ask how to say a
particular word, and they'd keep repeating
it and I'd hear it and and get it right, which
I never do when I'm over here, I'm just
guessing. What it did was change the way
I play it, it became a different piece, it was
like playing a different character in a different
thing. There's not really any way you can
Just some of the American actors Robert never got to make a series with.

HOLLY-GRAMS

Dear Red Dwarf,

Thank you for such a wonderful mag, bur - yes,
there is a but - il should be ihkker. Just one more
story than there is now please.
I have seen every single episode on TV and every
one hos had me rolling out of my seal with
laughter, i am only twelve years old and I am
ill waiting for the new series la come

Christian Bell, Cleelhorpes.

The new series shouldnt be too far away now,
Christian And just !o make you even happier, we
are indeed going to moke the Red Dworf
Smegazine ihkker with issue 15. June in nexl
month lor futlhet details!

Dear Red Dwarf Smegozine,
In the second Red Dwarf book, 'Better Than life',
on page 226, Holly hos told the characters to colled
a lot of canisters that were floating in space.
WHATC IN M CANISTERS??!??
I've been over the book several times, being the
sad individual thai I om, ond either I've missed
thing extremely vitally important in the whole
plot, or Rob Granl and Doug Naylor set oul to
deliberately smeg me off.

I'm pleading lo you to help me preserve my
remaining sanity by telling me what was in those
canisters. I know it's only a niggly little thing, but
I'd love to find out.
Claire Senior, Pontefrocl

I hope you don't mind, Claire, btil I've edited your
letter a little, so as not to give away one
particularly important plot point irom the book lo
anyone vtha hasn 't read it yet. Now, as lor those
canisters... you're not alone in your confusion. A
lot o! people were slumped by this port of the hook
ond I musl admit thai I didn't work it oul until I
read il lor a second time, hen Rob and Doug
didn't seem loo sure when I double-checked il with
them, but they confirmed my theory in the end.
The canisters contain the dead crew and thai
particular canister contains whatever was left of
Kristine Kochanski Does the ending moke more
sense lo you now (hire?

Dear Red Dwarf,

Congratulations on the Smegazine. Il is not just a

slavish fan magazine, bul actually contributes

original ond lunny material to the Red Dwarf
universe. On a recent trip to the US I attended o
Halloween party in San Diego whose theme was...
you guessed it, Red Dwarf. The host and hostess,
Nick and Angie De Rosa, were dressed as Rimmer
and a certain talkative Toaster (complete with price
tag, browning knob, everything - even two nice
fresh pieces of toast popping up). Amongsl others
who attended were an attractively dead
ir horn the Nova 5 ond two versions of

Brian Chernicky, who came dressed as lister, also
supplied his own artwork in the form of Holly on
screen, but most impressively o 10 foot long
painting of the Red Dworf itself to adorn the living
room wall. Non-stop videos of episodes from series
II and III were run and large amounts of curry and
lager were consumed. In order lo ensure absolute
authenticity and a successful party, a traffic cone
was liberated from the street and brought along to
join in the fun. I enclose a few pictures that I took
whilst sober enough to do so which might be of
interest.
Ross Sargent, Folkestone.

Dear Hol-babes,

Being of a moderately Lister-like disposition ond of
unsound mind (what mind?], I am writing to say...
'See that genetic mutant? That's your boyfriend,
that is.* No, I'm not mad! I've got my caroling
King Edwards to keep me company. However, to

more serious matters (naot), I wish you to know
that I lind that stimulating ond educational
programme 'Aaondroids, everryboody needs good
aaandroids' on Groovy Channel 27 truly inspiring,
as does Kryten. The fine acting! The superlative
accents! The sizzling wit! And who could forget the
saucy electrical appliance catalogues? So, if you
don't start watching Androids, Mr Flibble will be
EXTREMELY cross! Got lo go now, my straight-
jacket's arrived [magenta and lime tartan, of
course).

Uz, a truly fine personage festering in I
There's always one, isn't there?

Dear RDS,

The following passage is taken from page 79 of the
first Red Dwarf novel by Grant Naylor:
'Rimmer arrived, breathless, back at the sleeping
quarters. He skidded to a holt in front of his
timetable. His eyes scanned the chart lor an error.
He couldn't find one. He couldn't find one for a
whole two minutes. Then he froze. In his haste not
lo dwell on the construction of his chart, somehow
he'd included two Septembers.'
Are you doing a 'Rimmer' or whol? What the smeg
happened lo December? Have I missed something,
because Smegozine No.8 was dated Oct '92,
Smegazine No. 9 was Nov '92, Smegazine No.10
was Nov '92 and Smegazine No.1l was Jan (not
even a '93, mind you there wasn't much space
down in the corner with the barcode) Perhaps
you've been having trouble with while holes?
Perhaps December will pop up later in the year?
Perhaps 1 1 months from now would be a good
idea, if it's not too much trouble.
Sandy De Clara, London.
you'll no doubt have read my feeble attempt lo
wriggle oul of this lost issue, Sandy, bul all I con
soy is, it's a fair cop. I did a 'Rimmer' ond I m
deeply ashamed. You'll gel a December issue this
year and that's definite. Probably.

mC<£\

^^^^ CsOOP 6EI6F ! 1NSWNT

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THE
ENr

Jane Killick goes on location with Grant Naylor's new TV show...

I he new sit-com by the writers of Red
Dwarf is about a theatrical agency,
which is about as far away from a
mining ship lost in deep space as it's
possible to be. On the other hand,
some people who have had experience
of theatrical agents might well consider
a group of people from outer space as
quite a good analogy for them. As writer
Rob Grant so tactfully puts it. "in this
fictional thing... they're blood-sucking,
leechy vultures."

Like many sit-coms • Red Dwarf
included - some advance filming of The
10%ers is necessary before the rest of
the episode can be made before a
studio audience. So, while you may
have actually caught the pilot show on
ITV when it aired recently, let me take
you back to a chilly day last November
as we join the cast and crew at the
exotic location of a graveyard near
Shepperton. The real Vicar of the
church has generously turned his church
and its picturesque grounds over to the
film crew. Even his bouse - the vicarage
- is open for anyone who needs to visit
the toilet! A representative from Grant
Naylor assures us that the production
company will be contributing to the
collection plate to show their
appreciation.

The actors and crew are at the
church in Surrey to film a funeral scene
for the pilot show. "That's a client who
died," explains Rob Grant, "and one of
the agents is trying to seduce his widow
over the graveside."

Atin (played by Benedict Taylor) is a
young, ambitious, self-centred agent
and is the only representative from the
agency to make it to the funeral. The
Vicar begins the service, but is
interrupted by a telephone ringing. Atin
takes the phone from his pocket, makes
a quick deal and apologises to the
mourners. The Vicar, unabashed,
resumes the service, only to be
interrupted by another strange noise -
Atin's fax machine. He fumbles with his
case to turn it off. but loses his grip and
spills the contents of his case into the
grave. What's more, his case contains
some of the dead mans records which
trying to re-issue in the wake of

MR TEN PER CENT: Attn (Benedict Taylor)

publicity surrounding his death {or as
Atin puts it in the show "in the wake of
his wake, so to speak").

The scene doesn't last very long in
the final version, but it takes a couple of
hours to film it all. It's filmed from eight
different angles several times over, all of
which have to be carefully set up. The
poor actor who's playing the Vicar has to
repeat his short eulogy over and over
again.

And there are some unexpected
problems from a nearby school. The
kids aren't at all interested in the filming,
but they ore interested in enjoying their
lunchtime - very loudly! The problem for
the film crew is that children shouting
and screaming is a less-than-ideal
background noise for a funeral. One of
the crew is despatched to ask them to

grave moment

keep quiet. The teachers admirably
achieve this the first time, but the
children aren't so keen to spoil their
enjoyment of lunchtime a second and a
third time. In the end, no one dares ask
the children to be quiet any more
because the Headmistress is reported to
be "going bonkers". They decide to film
a couple of sequences where the sound
will be dubbed-on later.

It is a beautifully sunny day, but most
of the graveyard scene is being filmed in
the shade where it is freezing cold. Liz
Hickling, who is playing the grieving
widow, is wearing thin mourning clothes
and as soon as the camera is off her,
someone brings a coat and scarf to
wrap around her shoulders to stop her
from freezing.

It all brings back memories ol filming

Red Dwarf in similar conditions. This
seems to be usual filming conditions tor
Granl Naylor Productions, or as one of
the crew would have it, a lot of filming in
this country - "We never do any filming in
the summer when we have long days, or
on the ground floor!" he comments.

During a welcome break, everyone
rushes to the production van (which has a
very good heating system} and grabs
some food from the location caterers.
Rob Grant (who's wearing three jumpers
and a coat) explains more about The
W%ers. "It's about a group of theatrical
agents in the West End and their trials
and tribulations." it has been suggested
it is based on the writers' experiences.
"Yes. Without getting into law suits, yes.
No one's actually directly represented on
the screen, but bits of people are.

"It's actually something we've wanted
to do for a couple of years now and we
wrote an earlier version of this script that
we're recording now and sent it to the
BBC and they turned it down, because
it's about show business and they don't
like to do things about show business.
We've only been rejected once by the
BBC for this one!"

The script then got shut away in a

I drawer somewhere before Grant Naylor
Productions were approached by an ITV

I company who were looking to develop
several new comedy shows, as Rob
explains: "Carlton [ITV's London weekday
broadcaster] had this slot of Comedy
Playhouses. They wanted to do a series

I of seven or eight pilot shows and they
asked us it we wanted to do one and we
said 'oh yes, we've got this thing' and we

j went away and re-wrote it."

"That's not true." Doug Naylor chips-in
from where he's sitting behind Rob.
"Totally untrue."

"Well, you're supposed to be here
[doing this interview]," says Rob.

ABOVE. V/tots in the grave? The mourners take a too*. BOTTOMLEFT ~- -| [fiiri i i j n i

micmphone BOTTOMRIGHT: Bri i n ( u B 1 1 j y r 'mill I'limi B>n«^ Wt *m -

"Sorry. I'm just having my lunch," Doug Hanging arouna r^e oearc- =-oot is

replies. He spends several minutes another familiar face "s z ;-^- .Vagg.
trying to find somewhere to sit, but the effects supremo fo- **c >.- a-q s
van is more like a school bus and there's been called in to oo ™*e e--r-r= :- ~"e
only really enough room for one-and-a- )0%ers. Peter Wragg waxs faf -•= BBC
half adults on each seat. Doug full time, so what's he oong y a- iTV
eventually gives up and returns to his show? It turns out to be a* acoe-ccard.
original seat to finish his lunch. "I'll just Rob Grant and Doug Najrtcr raded him
boo from the back," he says. and asked if would dc — i --■=-:-- ■;■ — eif

"The main characters," continues Rob, new show. After a wore •— - = BBC
"are the head of the agency, a guy called bosses, everything was ag-eec - 3 r ant
Dominic who's played by Clive Francis. Naylor Productions just pa> ~~ ==Z for
who's very funny - we're really fond of the his services.

cast. His wile who's not actually part of He's down at the church ya.-z :z dc an

the agency, but she's an ex-Bond girl and effects shot where Dominic s 3razinan
she's a Brazilian and people might wife drops a gargoyle onto tne -oc* of his
recognise her a bit from Juanita in the Bentley. The car has been frrted wrth a
books. She's basically losing her temper convincing false roof which wrt oent with
all over the place and embarrassing him the impact of the gargoyle. He "as to
and humiliating him. We've got - actually arrange it so that we see the reac on of
you've seen him this morning - Atin, Dominic inside when the gargoyle -akes
who's a completely amoral, snidey. a depression in the root,
sneaky, sub-human. There's an
American called Tony who's sort of
sleazy, he handles people like female
naked mud wrestlers, and things like
that. And some women - it's been nice
to have been writing for some women for
a change because it's really hard in Red ■
Dwarf to do a fully developed woman I ^^^^JlaH

part. One ol the women is Helen, who's I W^F ' ^H
the only agent in the agency who cares ^
for her clients, and all the others look
down on her and think she's a bit of a
silly person, but she's earnest and she
believes in them. There's Joan, who's a
very self-obsessed older woman, she
has a younger lover, a very much
younger lover. And then there's the
various clients they have."

That's a very large cast for a British
sit-com. They usually centre around four
people. "There's actually nine regulars,"
says Rob. "Dominic's driver's a regular,
and there's an actor who's never actually
been in anything, but hangs around the
agency all the time desperate for a job
and never will get one. And there's the
receptionist who's a regular character,
not just someone who answers the
phone, she's integral to the action."

With the same writers, production
I company and effects crew, there should
1 be something in the show for Red Dwarf

fans. "I'd hope they'd like if." says Rob

Grant, "because it's our style of comedy.
I But it's really designed to appeal to a
I different audience, that hopefully will

include Red Dwarf fans, but also people
| who don't like Science Fiction as well.

'I just think in general we don't just
I want to spend our lives working in one

genre. Because simply there are a
I number of people who wouldn't watch

something simply because it's science
I fiction, and we'd like to do something for
| those people as well."

They only have this one episode to
I make an impression on Carlton TV and
I the ITV audience. Only when the
I audience reaction is in will a decision be
I made whether to take The W%ers to a full
I series. "That's what we hope.'' says Rob.
I "I know that Carlton s objective in this
I exercise is to shoot six. seven or eight
I pilots and try and pick, hopefully, two of
I them that will go to series. So it's quite 3
I cruel ratio really, but were very pleased
I with it. we're really excited about it and
I we think it's going to last."

With the new companies and a new
I regime at ITV, comedy is one of the areas
I they plan to concentrate on. Rob Grant
I agrees that in the past BBC have had the
I edge where it comes to sit-coms. "I think
I one of the mistakes that is constantly
I made, particularly in ITV sit-coms, but it

happens on the Beeb as well, is a star-
driven vehicle where you say, oh Penny
Keith wants to do a sit-com, let's do one
for her' and I don't think that's the right
way round of doing things. I think you
should have a good idea and then cast it.
That's why we've gone for a big cast, we
want it to be an ensemble of comedy
where everybody gets their own story like
a Cheers kind-of-thing. I think that if you
have a star vehicle and you've got a
Penny Keith or a Paul Eddington, or
whatever, you tend to concentrate on
trying to make them funny and not
concentrate on the people around them...
it puts a straight -jacket on the show right
from the start."

For The 10%ers, everything comes
together in the final recording in front of
the studio audience. "We're trying to
avoid it being the moment of truth as
much as possible," says Rob. "We want
to pre-record round about half of it on the
previous day. anyway, so we're
completely covered. And then we're
going to shoot the show twice. We're
going to have two runs at it so everybody
gets the chance to do it in front of an
audience and we've got one show in the
can before we go to the final performance
in the evening, which will be the proper
one, really. We're trying to make it as
least like a moment of reckoning as we
can... I'm not even sure it's going to be
possible because it only allows you
something like an hour and a quarter to

ABOVE Grant Uaytoi Productions Kathleen Hutchinson
toys Willi a new caieei as a professional mourner.
BELOW: Rob Grant slays cool in the com out Doug Naytor

a pen to keep his teet

to rely on a pen to keep his teeth

After lunch, the car and as many of the
crew who can fit in the back, take a trip
around the country lanes to film the
gargoyle scene. Everyone else is left in
the graveyard to clear up. As for the
grave itself, it is to be filled in to make
sure no one actually gets buried in it!

Heard Any Good Books Lately?

RED DWARF - THE TALKING BOOK (UNABRIDGED VERSION)
Loughing Stock Productions £25.99

He sings, he snores, he throws-up; he's a
computer; he's a Dutchman, a dead man;
an artificial man, a woman; and a cat - he's
Chris Borne reading 'Red Dwarf - Infinity
Welcomes Careful Drivers'.

Using so many different voices, Chris brings
the reading on these 6 cassettes to life like
few other narrators could His mimicry
enables him to do close impressions of all

the crew, and even some of the minor
characters. Funniest is his impression of
Holly, the dumb-sounding computer with an
adenoid problem (at least, that's how Chris
makes him sound! The dialogue
sequences ore definitely the best thing
about the talking book. If it hod actually
been written to be read aloud by Chris
Borrie, it would surely have had more of
these.

But the recording is an exact rendition of the
novel and it is to the producer's credit that
they plumped for a complete and
u nob ridged version - even though this
stretches to around eight hours!

All the background, inventiveness, familiar
and not-so-familiar scenes are here But
because it's written like a book, some parts
don't work quite as well as they do on the
printed page. It can also seem a bit slow for
those used to zipping through the pages of
a novel. But then to actually hear Olaf
Petersen vomiting is something paper and
ink cannot compete with.

It's best listened to in segments of one side
of a tape at a time, as they always end on
an appetising cliff-hanger. Each tape
begins with a rendition of the Red Dwarf
opening theme - although it's a slightly
different mix each time. And each tape ends

with a music sting, which is a nice touch.

Technical qualify could probably be a little
better My tapes were a bit 'hissy' and the
clarity of sound didn't quite match up to the
rich tone of Radio 4

Having said thot. eight out of ten Red Dwarf
fans, who express a preference, would
probably vote for Chris Barrie to come round
to their house and read them a bedtime
story The Talking Book is the onswer to
their prayers The price is not bad at all tor
six cassettes, either

REVIEWER'S' TIP; It's a great way to pass an
eight-hour power cut during the winter -
snuggled up in bed with Chris Barrie and a
battery-powered walkman 1

Jane Killick

SMEGAZINE READERS!

jghing Stock Productions ore
g copies of Iheir Talking Book at
eaal reduced price of £19 99 to
;aders of the Red Dwarf

IAUGHNG STOCK PRODUCTIONS, PO

Be here next month for the return of
DUANE DIBBLEY, MR FLIBBLE and
ACE RIMMER, SPACE ADVENTURER!

And you wouldn't want to miss part 2 or our ROBERT LLEWELLYN
interview, Chris Barrie on the set of THE BRITTAS EMPIRE, or the
*>on RED DWARF VI. would you?

Plus, there's a fabulous opportunity to win a brutal RED DWARF
JACKET, and lots more of the other brilliant bits you've come to
■ct from the one and only Smegazine.

.HE RED DWARF SMEGAZINE No.14
GOES ON SALE MARCH 9.5TH.
IT'S A LAUGH, INNIT? SO BUY IT!

DWARF

THE

£7 INTERVIEW

GRAHAM HUTCHINGS

Graham Hutching* has been working on 'Red Dwarf 1 since the beginning of Series IV, when
he took over as the chow's Videotape Editor. Being more or less completely Ignorant about
what this means, we decided to meet up with him and find out - and Graham kindly agreed
to spend his afternoon off filling us in on this often overlooked area of television production.

THE SMEQAZINE: So what
exactly does the job of Videotape
Editor entail?

GRAHAM HirTCHINOS: Well, the
editing process is in theory the joining
together of all the scenes. In its simp-
listic form, you could just discard the
bad scenes, join it all together and
you'd have a completed programme.
But it probably still wouldn't work,
because programmes are basically
made in the editing by changing the
timing of the performances, by
speeding things up, mixing different
performances from different takes and
choosing which bits of each perfor-
mance you want. Timing is the most
critical thing of all, especially in comedy
programmes, and if you don't get the
timing nght or if the pictures don't
illustrate the storyline or the joke, then
obviously you've completely messed it
up.

TS; Hov different is videotape
editing from film editing?

OH: The concept of tape editing is
different to film editing in the sense that
film is a medium which you handle
physically; you physically cut the film
and join all the bits together. Tape
editing is different, and there's always
been this son of distance between film
editors and tape editors; film editors
have always been used to physically
cutting film and tape editing to them is
a nightmare, because it involves using
electronic equipment and computers

The Edit Suite

and they didn't quite understand it. But
now it's sort ot merging together,
because with the advent of new sys-
tems, film editors are finding it a lot
easier to use electronic equipment to
cut tape - and obviously, a new gener-
ation of people are coming up that
understand computer based systems.
So ten years ago, you had quite a big
division between film editors and tape
editors, but in the last ten years, the
gap's narrowed quite a lot and it's
getting narrower and narrower.

TOs So what's the first thing you do
when an episode ot 'Rod Dwarf has
been recorded?

QH: First, you record all the material
- ail your rushes as they come out of
the studio - on to high grade tape,
which in our particular case is
Betacam. What comes out of the studio
is a representation of the director's
interpretation of the script, as far as he
can get it right on the night, so what you
get is what they call a switched feed,
which is a scene with all the cuts in it
which, in theory, should be okay. But
obviously, there are potential errors in

the cutting sequence as it's done on the
night, 'cos you can't get it nght first time,
so you also record as many cameras
as you can clean, so they don't have
any cuts, they're actually recording the
output of one camera all the time. So
we land up at the edit with switched
feed and as many cameras isolated as
possible, so that gives us the flexibility
fo be able to recut any scene. So if a
cut is in the wrong place, because it's
miscued or something, you can change
the cut points. That's quite critical,
because obviously you can affect the
timing of a sequence by where the cut
point is. Added to that, you've also got
the ability by editing to tighten up a cut.

TSz Presumably, its down to you to
make sure that the episodes run to
the correct length?

OH: Yes. I mean, what we normally do
is a rough cut, we do an off-line first of
all, before we get involved in any real
effects work or anything sophisticated.
That means basically editing the
programme using low-grade tape, so all
the rushes are transformed onto... it's
not a VHS tape system, it's slightly

better than VHS, but it's a low cost
system compared with going into an on-
line suite. So we basically start off by
doing a rough cut; we join everything
together, choosing what we think at the
time are the best takes and the best
performances. I normally start editing
before they've finished shooting, I do a
rough cut while they're still down in
Shepperton shooting the next episode,
so Rob and Doug don't come to that.
I just do a rough cut so they can see
if everything works, and then if they
need to re-shool something, they can
do that the following week or at the end
of the whole thing. So basically, the
idea of doing a cut initially is to get an
idea that everything's okay, that it's
working. Having done that, you can
then get an idea of the length of the
programme as is. Invariably they're
overlength, by maybe five or six
minutes.

TO: Does that mean you have to
start cutting out scenes?

GH: Not necessarily. It depends - if
it was ten minutes out, you probably
would be looking at scene cuts, yes.

Five minutes, you could probably get
out of it in slack, just by tightening the
dialogue up. At the end of the day, the
secret with comedy is the tightening
that you do at the editing, because
that's when you get the pace into the
show. If you look at the performances
coming out of the studio, they're
normally quite slow, and the pace is put
into the performance at the edit. We're
sometimes literally tightening every cut,
every bit of dialogue. And quite often,
we're just editing words in from other
takes, maybe one shot from one other
take just because the performance on
that particular sentence was better,
I mean it's that critical.

OH: Well, after the first cut, Rob and
Doug axe always there, so that's not a
decision I would make. It's a decision
I might contribute to, but it's very much
their decision. There are always inevit-
able discussions about whether some-
thing is working or not in terms of
concept, and they sort of use me as a
sounding board as to whether some-
thing is wonting or not. They can get so
sort of locked into something that they
may not realise if it's not working, do
you know what I mean? And I can say,
"Well, I've just looked at that for the first
time and I don't understand it." So then
we have to go back and re-think the
order of the thing, and quite often we're
changing scenes around as well,
we might swap two scenes around
because they work better that way.
And obviously, use of model shots is
very critical in establishing where you
are and what's happening. A prime
example in the last series was the
Squid (in 'Back to Reality'). Peter
(Wragg) shot a squid in a tank which
was basically a tentacled thing, and it
just didn't work - I mean nobody's
fault, it just didn't work, it didn't look
menacing. So in the end, the Squid
was actually a shadow that we created
in the edit suite.

Did the same thing go tor the

ing

i7Afthoog#n

ofrt.wx

CH: Yes. Again, we purposely cut the
amount of the model you saw down to
a bare minimum, because it didn't work
if you saw it for a long time; just
snatches of it were much better. With
a lot of these things, if you have the
chance to look at them tor any length
of time, you start looking at the flaws.

And again, that's the technique of
editing in creating an atmosphere
without giving too much away. It's a
psychological game of what you can get
away with without destroying the
illusion. That's a critical side of editing
- it's a whole illusion act, creating an
image that's not necessarily true.

QH: Well, I knew when I was at school
that I wanted to edit and I knew I wanted
to join the BBC. but I was told at sixteen
"Oh, you shouldn't go now, you should
go to university." So I went to university
and did a degree in Applied Physics
and Electronics and then joined the
BBC as an engineer, when I left. In
those days, the BBC were using Quad,
which was like really big machines, two-
inch tape. That's what they used to
record TV programmes on, but they
were quite complex beasts, so they
were manned by engineers - so
editing was also done by engineers,
because it had grown out of an
engineering background. But as time
went on, the engineering element was
reduced and the creative element
increased, because machines became
more reliable. And then they went on
to one-inch machines and they needed
very little technical knowledge to run
them, but by then, computerised
editing had come along and all that and
engineers naturally gravitated into
running editing suites - obviously,
those with any creative flair gravitated
to become editors.

I actually worked at the BBC for ten
years, then I left and went freelance and
eventually landed up in this company
I'm involved with now.

QH: Yes. It's basically a post-production
company that just specialises in
broadcast work; part of a group of
companies. There are three major
companies - Complete Video, which
does special effects work and commer-
cials, a production company called
Celador and then there's us, who do
specialist broadcasting. But it's also
integrated - we do talk to each other,
so we all know what's happening. And
as far as 'Red Dwarf' is concerned, all
the special effects stuff, any sort of
computer graphics type work, is done
at Complete, because they've got all the
good special effects machines, like
HARRY.

QH: HARRY is the name of a machine
which is manufactured by Quanta
Quanto are the leaders in the market
in terms of machines that will manipu-
late pictures, so when it comes to
wrapping pictures and moving them
around and Paintbox, all that sort of
stuff is done with HARRY. Now super-
ceded by HENRY - I think that's
Quanto's little joke, really. As I say, that's
where a lot of the last series' special
effects were done, but I do a lot in the
suite as well. Things like light beams
out of guns, things like that, are done
on an editing desk.

From my point of view as well, 'Red
Dwarf' is unique in television - at least,
as far as I can see. I mean, it's exceed-
ingly complicated - perceptually, it's
complicated from the point of view of
the audience, so you're having to get
very difficult concepts across in a very
short space of time. Added to that,
you've got the complication of comedy
as well - and technically, it's probably
the most complex show on television,
in terms of special effects. I can't think
of anything else on television that has
those three major complications;
sitcoms are normally fairly straight-
forward in terms of both storyline and
the way they're shot. So I think 'Red
Dwarf' is very unique - apart from
maybe 'Star Trek' but that's not a
comedy, that's very straightforward.

QH: Well, there are constantly massive
changes in technology, yes, and it's
difficult to keep up with the operational
skills involved in using this equipment,
but what tends to happen is that you
tend to specialise in particular areas. I
wouldn't consider myself to be a
specialist special effects person - in
other words, I can't run HARRY. I can
do a lot of special effects on the
equipment I've got, but I can't actually
go and run the HARRY machine. And
I can't run Paintbox because I'm not an
artist - but with all these things, it's a
question of knowing what needs to be
done and guiding people in that
direction, overseeing it. Part of my job
is overseeing all that for Rob and Doug,
so although I may not be able to
operate the equipment, I understand
the technology and I know exactly what
it can do, so I can talk to the guys who
operate with equipment and say "I want
it to do this, this and this."

TSs What other,

programmes do you

OH; I'm just vwrking on a series for the
BBC called The Detectives', which is
a spinoff out of 'Canned Carrot!'

Tfc >es.Ed Bye was telling us about
(hat (last Issue); 4 sounds reaf/y
good.

OH: I started editing that in the first
week of October. That's all been shot
on Super 60. ft looks very good, I think
it's going to be fun.

T8e What becomes of all the footage

that's edited out? ten wiped, or is It
kept?

CM Mxj never ever destroy any original

material in the editing process, because
all you do is dub shots from one tape
to another. So all the master material
from the last series and probably all the
previous series could still exist

No, not a scene from UFO - this is Complete Video Facilities Ltd's Master Control Room.

somewhere. They may have wiped a tot
of it by now, because after the shows
have gone out, they wont keep it unless
they actually desperately need it. What
we do keep are all the things like the
model shots; we make compilation
tapes up with all the special effects
model shots on, because we're always
looking for model shots and we don't
want to go back and remake them
because they're expensive. That's why
they get repeated - or we blow them
up a bit and maybe put a bit of a zoom
on to make them look different.

Tt: The potential must be there to
release a video of out-takes, mustn't
It?

OH: I'm a bit ami out-takes, to be
honest with you. I think it's cheap
television and very passive, and I think
you get fed up of seeing people falling
over and stumbling over their lines.
There aren't very many actually, there
aren't many brilliant out-takes.

RED DWARF INTERVIEWERS:

STEVE LYONS

A CHRIS HOWARTH

Lonely? Lovesick? Lovable-but-misunderstood?
Unburden yourself to Auntie Holly.

AGONY MINT HOLIY

Red Dwarf Mining Ship

Deep Space

Avery, verv long way away...

e. you might be dead long before you get a reply, but tnal

Dear Paul.

Ec... dunno, really.
Holly

Right, here goes. My veiy first
personal problem letter. Load TEACH
YOURSELF COUNSELLING.
Whirr... ping! Bleep, bleep...

Girt keep - r.uai m 'Dear John' letters.

Dear John.
Oops, aony...
Holly

SHlneU jb uuj. * tpw* kfhqil raurkr?

Sqirik

DearSqirik,

That's easy. Haawid fnrunppi ii

fqwvvbi mule. Zmpolkj oijlk ki il,

deaiil ii a ipocn Itjhqil, innil?

Hob

■IL I just go an hoping that tome day bell
oMier mr . What ihaD I dr.?
Aagela.
Dear Angela.

Don't beshy. Goright up to him, smilt
and say. "Hi. I'm Angela." Or drop a
copy of the Red Dwarf Smegazine at
his feet, so he'll pick it up and give it
hack to you. If neither of these work,
put a paper bag over hit head. He'a
bound to notice SOMETHING, even if
it's only that it's gone dark early.
Holly

of ckaagiag the colour. They ay that Monk* I'm to afraid that my wi

Dear Janet,

After three million yean in space I
seem to have a gap in my on-line
dictionary between fumy' and
funninble'. (Did you know that
funamble means to walk a tightrope?
No? Neither did I. Good, innit? Can't
wait for the next chance to drop it into
the conversation. "I was just
funambling the other day when I...")
Where was 1? Oh yes, looking up fun'.
Hang on a mo' while I load up my
interplanetary lexicon...
FUNN: fn) small paracites, bred from
earth fleaa on Ganymede
'Ere, what are you si
Holly

Derek
Dear Derek.

Get me a fun si
you're there.
Holly

■ Cranchie bar while

love nth you. Those beauuJul eyes, thai alky

hair, thoor ruby Ujw! Harry me!

Also

Dear Alan,

Listen up, bozo, I'm a computer - 1

couldn't possibly love anyone with an

1Q of leas than 6000. (Except maybe

Ace Rimmer - what a guy!) Are you the

Ace Rimmer type? If so, send a photo

immediately.

HoUy

ntaoe, please, PLEASE kelp *VjI There •lh>
boy st college, sad he,, aad L. sad now...

Dear Jenny,

Did he? Did you? Oh dear.

Holly

Dear Auntie Holly.

caa'l gel ta sleep at Bight! sad I read and
rud for hoan sad it asen't make me the
least hit sleepy aad I've tried counting ihtep
- but lhal'i jtxt ally, how caa aWp make you
sleepy? - aad I have a bet milky drink before
I turn in sad that doesn't help cither sad I
pan lie awake sad look st si the mess h the
ceiliBg sad I'm *> tired sad I have ta gel up

I kave this terrible pain in all the diode, tkrwa
my left baod aide. What da yau ikiak?

Dear Marvin.

I think you're in the wrong programme.

Holly

INPUT LAPSE

AUTO

SHUTDOWN
SEQUENCE
INITIATED... bleep

mswamiAnuKSBim

mouHCBimmmmitBum
patrol somrmoimcusrma mi

rf THE
L/ POLYMORPH

NAME: None given

KNOWN ALIASES: loo numerous
to recount, the ones we have seen
include both Arnold Rimmer and ha
mother as weN as Genny, the ever so
adorable woman who evoked the Cats
vanity during the Polymorph's attack
on 'Red Dwarf' Genny waa short tor
Genetic Mutant, vanity was just the
second part of a tour-course emotional
snack, and the love-smitten Cat was
in big trouble!

SPECIES: A manmadeGELF - that

is. Genetically Engineered Life Form.

OCCUPATION: The Polymorph's
only occupation is the pursuit of food,
specifics I ly , the negative emotions of
anyone it can get close to The
stronger, the MM

ORIGINS: GELFs were the ultimate
in slave labour why bother cobbling
together bits of metal to make

rebellious mechanotds or simulants,
when living tissue can be grown far
more cheaply and in such a variety of
interesting shapes? The only problem
was, what to do with the cast-offs ' The
wrong answer: bung them an in pods
marked 'Do Not Open' and jettison
them cut into spaoa Hence the arrival
of the Polyrnorph aboard 'Red Dwarf ;
a ferocious genetically challenged'
mutant with the inbred power to
change its shape Wo anything you can
dream of: animal, vegetable, mineral
or even Lister's boxer shorts!

EDUCATION: The Polymorph has
evolved rather than learnt - Indeed.
it has done so far beyond the safety
parameters imagined by its creators!
Initially fust a lump of genetic waste.
its incredibly strong survival instinct
kicked its DNA into gear and forced the
creature to evolve a number of useful
attnbutes Useful, that is. rf you happen
to like temfying innocent people and

causing severe amounts of trouble

SKILLS: Quite apart from its impraa
srve shape-changing abilities, the
Polymorph has evolved mdd telepathic
skills. II a thus able to probe the minds
of each of its warns ascertaining by
doing so how best to provoke the
emotiooa B d e ars a . Rx example when
it felt like snactang on Kryten s gut. it
took the form of Amok) R*nmer, when
It fancied swtfkng thai down w*h a
dose of R immer s anger, « nmulMert
his mother; and when it fancwd a
quick taste of Listen fear n turned
itself into a six foot tai, armour pissed
killing machine 1

HOBBIES: As mentioned above, the
Polymorph has no teat obteoavs other
man me an too difficult one of surv*«
Having been abandoned to d» si the
wastes of space, it can afford no goal
other than the pursuit of sustenance

MUSICAL TASTES: Don't these
standard c a tegories start to teem
inappropriate when you're rafting
about evil, slavering, non-human
IHeforms?)

ROLE MODELS: Wen. mere was
once this tntogy of Wms, see. « when
a woman called Ripley...

KNOWN ASSOCIATES: Juet one!
Polymorphs. It seems, (ravel in pain -

and thrs one's pod-mate was last seen
sneaking aboard 'Red Dwarf' in the
guise of one David Lister Lm-oht

GROUP AFFILIATIONS: None.
though its presence can often inspire
others kilo forming groups against it
The angar-daprived Rimmer wanted
ha orgenktalton to be cased the
League Against Salivating Monsters
although the Committee for the
Liberation and Integration of Terntywig
Organisms and their RehattHtaBon
Into Society would have been a better
bet had it not been kx its unfortunate
acronym A major leaflet c a mpaign, he
felt, would soon see the back of the

AMBITIONS: As the Aral one waa
finally inonerated by a we*-oiaced pair
of baiookord Wasts. we would nave to
say none really. As tor the second
one... we're Juet waning tor the day
when It wake s up hungry

r ^U A y A ^^ sat: en - ,*j.KE^£«ee

1 THE PLANET HAS HAD AAANY NAMES. H

H today the majority oftts surviving ^H

■ INHABITANTS THINK OF IT MERELY AS I

■ HOME ONC€- LONG A&O, n WAS

■ KNOWN AS EARTH. . .

^| AFTER THAT; &ARBA6B MORIS' . . . 1
^H DUMPING> &ROUND FOR AN £NTIR€ 1

■ sct-ae evmwv were.

' . H TW£A/ ,4 FREAK CHAIN REACTION OF TOXIC 1
. ■ - ' ■ CHEMICALS AND DISCARDED ATOMIC PILES

^^blabteo it f&£ Fax* aearr abound the sun.. .^

>*7

H ORIFTIN& IN THE COLO, LOVELESS DEPTHS OF 1
■ INTERSTELLAR SfWCE ITS CONTINENTS OF
^MjUNK FROZE, msiDlCIC SEAS CRYSTAL ISEO 1

F cwtv whca/ rf »»s&«e a new star ooes
f me planet briefly flower before ns (**m
takes it beyond -rue sun's lifssmno rays.

flfl _* MnOV^JS ITCONTiNUeS rr& eNPLESS H
• H VOYA&6, IT ENTERS THE SYSTEM OF ■
■ V£7 ANOTHER" NAMELESS STAR

I uwjffm

wL ss \* tfi^l

^B/JS IT REACHES ITS NEW PEPlHtLtON, THE ICEU
^*M H BEGINS TO MELT. ACQ Gains POUR DOWN. ■

i . _ ,— -j

,/CHi

Asa Red Dwarf tan you'll be well aware
of the severe withdrawal symptoms that
can occur while the series is off air.
Fortunately there Is an antidote as the
regulars from Red Dwarf are rather
more visible than those from other
shows. Hatiie Hayridge is certainty
more visible off screen when she is on
stage in her capacity as a stand-up
comedienne.

Hart ie Hayridge began her stand-up
comedy career In Jury 1986. Following
a spilt with a boyfriend: 'After I'd had
the screaming fit I still had all this
energy and wrote five minutes of
moaning." Fortunately for her ex,
although he was responsible for Hart ie
channelling much of her pent-up
emotion into five minutes worth of

comedy material, none of it was about
him... "ft was about childhood,
probably some deep psychological
thing". A couple of months later, whilst
at a club, Hattie got the opportunity to
perform her material on stage.
Audience members were invited to get
up and have a go following the interval
and, after taking advantage of the
break to indulge in a bit of Dutch
courage, namely eight Southern
Comforts, Hattie deckled to give it a try
- though how she managed to
stagger onto the stage is anyone's
guess Qust kidding).

"I thought I was rambling and
screaming." says Hattie describing her
first stage appearance, "but actually I
was being really quiet, just pausing

away." And, if she was surprised after-
wards about her performance, It was
nothing to the surprise she felt when
she was given a booking there and
then. The rest, as people who are
prone to using cliches say, is history.
Though Hattie assures us that she's cut
down on the Southern Comforts since
that night - she only needs seven
these days. Actually that isn't true at all
because, as Hattie explains, "I'd be in
the Betty Ford clinic by now if I did."

The Smegazine went along to both
of 'major TV celebrity' Hattie's appear-
ances on the Manchester leg of her
recent, for want of a better word, tour
- as she told us, "I haven't done an
organised tour I just go up to different
places and come back. I go to places

HATTIE 5TAMD5 UP

Report by Chris Howarth and Steve Lyons

like Exeter and Newcastle at the
weekend but l hope to do a proper
organised tour next year (1993)." We
went to both performances mainly so
that we could see at first hand how her
act develops from gig to gig, but also
because they were local and she said
she'd get us in for nothing.

The first of her Manchester spots
took place at the Band on the Wall
Club, a music venue every night except
Sunday when it hosts the Comedy off
the Wall show - though one suspects
that the reasons for this are to do with
the lack of a late drinks licence. There
were three acts on that particular night,
the first, who also served as compere,
was an American comedian whose
name I've unfortunately forgotten - I
think it might have been Ray something
or other - but anyway he was quite
good when he got going. 'Ray' was
followed by Brenda Gilhooly. who
appeared on stage, complete with
spangled mini dress and blond wig, in
her other persona, - page 3 stunner,
Gail Tuesday. I'd recommend seeing
Brenda's act to anyone: Gail is a
brilliantly observed characterisation
and the whole performance was
extremely funny and memorable. I've
no doubt that the evening was parti-
cularly memorable for the sad and
pathetic guy who was sitting at the front
staring up Brenda's skirt, especially
when she noticed him and told the
audience, if you'll pardon the exp-
ression, what he was up to - I'm glad
she didn't realise he'd come along with

The evening's entertainment culmin-
ated with Hattie's appearance on the
stage In her distinctive black and white
striped dress, Hattie on stage is like

Hattie on the various TV comedy
snows you might haw seen her on, but
of course there's more of it and, In this
case, more definitely means better. We
promised her faithfully that we wouldn't
give away any of her material so you'll
just have to go and see for yourselves,
if you haven't already, and you'll get
plenty of opportunity to do so during
next year's property organised tour of
course. However we think it's only right
to warn you that two innocent Red
Dwarf Smegazine feature writers were
rather shocked to hear Hattie utter the
naughty F word on a couple of
occasions during her act. Though
perhaps we shouldn't have been too
surprised, after all she is constantly
swearing and drinking and fighting off
stage (Just kidding again... well,
blatantly lying really).

After the show we spoke to Hattie
about her act and how often she
updated it. "bits come and go" she totd
us. "Some bfls you have for ages if they
go really well and you like them and
other bits you put in for a couple of
weeks then you chuck it out again, it
all varies. I do bits on the train on the
way up and bits and pieces at the hotel
before." Apparently, earlier in her
career, Hattie would read local news-
papers in order to tailor the act slightly
tor wherever she happened to be
appearing, but more often than not she
would be the only person in the room
who had actually read the news item
in question. Not surprisingly that area
of research was swiftly abandoned.
Hattie told us that a segment of
the routine about sending for porcelain
collector's items from Sunday supple-
ments had been completely ad-libbed
that night and had been added to the
act as she thought of it. So it was
interesting to hear this segment
included again, but In a perfected form,
when Hattie made a further appear-
ance in Manchester, at the Buzz Club,
eleven days later. As before, Hattie was
the final act on the bill and once again
she had a tough act to follow.

I've probably spelt his name wrong,
which is unfortunate because Rory
Motion is the funniest guy I've seen in
a bloody long time. I didn't really care
too much for the part of his act when
he got me up on stage to assist him in
playing the xylophone but apart from
that he was fantastically good and I
suggest you look out for him at a venue
near you. You don't need to be a drug
taking, sport mad vegetarian to appre-
ciate n ;S humour but it helps - not that
I'm suggesting for one moment that I'm
a vegetarian.

Eventually introduced as a 'major TV
celebrity', an embarrassed looking
Hattie came out on to the Buzz Club
stage and apologised to any members
of the audience disappointed that Des
O'Connor hadn't come on. Although I'd
heard a lot of the act before, I still

enjoyed it as much as the rest of (he
audience obviously did; despite what
she says about adding bits here and
there it is obvious that the act is being
developed all the time and is constantly
evolving. My enjoyment was also due
in no small part to Hattie's unique and
inimitable style. When asked afterwards
how she developed the deadpan
approach she explained, "I didn't think
about it, it's just the way I talk and act."
It came as a bit of a shock when she
revealed that she'd once attempted a
tolly, up-beat, (aster form of delivery. 'At
the beginning I tried all that, but I
thought 'no it's not me', so I went back
to being natural".

We were curious about what Hattie
had lined up next on the non-tour and
she said she would be appearing in
Cardiff and then doing a private
business function. Fearing tor Hattie's
safety, I warned her that these business
types would have her doing all kinds
of things for her money - jumping

naked out of cakes and such like, but
she claimed she could handle it. We
wondered how she was booked for
these various dates, were they done
through an agent? "Usually," she said,
"however, sometimes people ring me.
But to be honest, If they don't sound
like they know what they're doing I put
them on to somebody else - if you
have to spend fifteen minutes asking
them if there's a stage, it's best if an
agent does all that."

HATTIE SIT5 DOWM

Before making her evening appear-
ance at the Band on the Wall Hattie
was kind enough to waste the entire
afternoon entertaining the members (if
that doesn't sound too rude) of the
Manchester Society of Cult Television.
Also along to conduct the interview
were two of the Smegazine's finest
writers. In order to get the right sort of
Red Dwarf atmosphere Mr Scott look-

v^-^s^s-

alike Kev Cryne, who was videoing the
proceedings, insisted that Hattie sat in
front of a black background. Despite
the fact that it meant climbing onto a
precariously high and uncomfortably
thin ledge, the amenable actress
agreed to go along with Kev's direc-
tions. And, although she nearly tell off
at the first attempt to get up, Hattie
cheerfully spent the next ninety
minutes or so balancing up there
without a word of complaint.

In the first part of the discussion she
had us all in hysterics with hundreds
of marvellous anecdotes from the world
of Red Dwarf. Unfortunately, I haven't
got room for them here, so you'll have
to read the proper Smegazine interview
with her coming up in a few months
time - I'm sorry, but you should have
been there. Later on things got a little
strange when the mob were invited to
ask some questions. Someone who
was obviously a Star Trek fan had
noticed certain similarities between
Star Trek - The Next Generation and
Red Dwarf and wondered, since ST-
TNG wasn't on in Britain when RD
started, if perhaps they'd all flown over
to the US to steal the ideas. Hattie
diplomatically claimed that they hadn't,
but that Rob and Doug were indeed
fans of Star Trek. (In fact, it was more
probabfy the other way around.) Asked
about her own favourite TV
programmes, Hattie surprised a few
people by citing the Benny Hill show,
though she insisted that he wasn't an
influence The Prisoner was also
named as a particular childhood
favourite, which no doubt pleased the
inevitable Six of Oner in the audience.
Her dad wasn't as keen, "Loada
bleedin' rubbish innit? Bleedin'
bubbles," he would apparently say after
each and every episode - quite a
discerning viewer, Mr Hayridge.

On the subject of the Smegazine,
Hattie said she was worried about
people thinking she'd written things
attributed to Holly, especially if they are
abusive to readers. And when she
heard that several suggestive letters
had been received in the editorial office
she requested that they be sent on as
she doesn't usually get any like that.
She's obviously quite used to fans
though as she'd brought along a bag
full of publicity photos which, after the
interview had concluded, she happily
signed for the gathered throng.
Needless to say the bag was a good
deal lighter when she eventually had
to leave in order to get to her booking
on time.

On behalf of the MSCT I'd like to
thank Hattie for giving up her time to
attend the meeting and for being such
a terrific guest. While I'm thanking
people I ought to mention MSCT or-
ganiser Julia Houghton, and although
I'd very much like to I'm afraid I can't
possibfy give a free plug to the society's
next major event, Manopticon 2.

IE CASE of
the CASHEO-IN

CONTESTANT

SCRIPT: VOTER NOBLE. ART: VOTER FLINT. LETTERS: VOTER PHOENIX

nmxrt Arno^e mm m& *

DAM1A

ANNE

AUAITRPi

CHILDREN

4 l

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